INTRODUCTION
When it comes to taking substitute teaching jobs, I am not picky. My mother has a list of schools she will not work in and teachers she will not work for, but I have yet to turn down an offer. The following are some of my more notable subbing experiences. Interestingly, my mother has had few experiences of comparable interest. Being an elitist may be stress free, but it is also boring. The reason I never turn down jobs is not, however, because I want stories. It is because I like money.
WAY TOO EARLY FOR THAT, I WOULD HOPE
The scariest thing to happen to me while subbing happened in a third grade classroom. We were having free time, which is basically whatever I do whenever a teacher has been too lazy to write me good notes, when a girl and a boy ran up to my desk. They were frantic and they pointed to the portable coat racks in the back of the room, yelled the names of two other students, followed by: “they’re making babies, they’re making babies!” Now baby making is not allowed in Mr. Hunt’s classroom, so I began to walk back to where the students indicated. As I was on my way, a few more students ran up and repeated the “making babies” line. And they were even more frantic. And that is when my entire career of being around students of any age flashed in front of my eyes, a career ruined by extreme minors behaving extremely inappropriately while under my watch. So I took off running, and man, what I found in the back of the room.
Actually, what I found behind the coat racks were two girls who had folded up their coats, wrapped them up in blankets, and were rocking them back and forth. They called their coats “babies,” and apparently such behavior was banned in the classroom because playing with “babies” had been interfering with getting work done. Why they did not call their coats something like “dolls” instead of “babies” is beyond me, unless those third graders were purposefully trying to give substitutes heart attacks. With much relief I told the girls to put their “babies” away. Then I gathered the class together, and proclaimed “Mr. Hunt’s new rule: no more making babies when subs are in the classroom.” Though at the time that seemed like a pretty good proclamation, I imagine if someone outside of the classroom had heard it they would have had some questions. And that is the closest I have ever come to spanking students.
SERIOUSLY, THEY TRULY ARE THE WORST
Something that was not scary but more dangerous job-wise was when I was walking down the hall of a school and what I thought was a classroom grandfather stepped into my path. To be perfectly honest, I do not like classroom grandparents; they are almost never helpful, and more often than not they are inflexible when it comes to breaking classroom routine. Yes, for the most part I try to do exactly what the teacher usually does, but often this is not possible. No, I do not need cranky grandparents telling me that I am doing things wrong, without ever telling me what I should be doing instead. So with this prejudice in mind, I was walking down the hall and a grandfather got in my way, which made me mad. I walked up to him and stopped, after which he asked what I was doing in the school. Clearly he did not know I was a substitute, and although I could have just said I was one, I decided not to help him out. That was perhaps a bad decision.
Instead of talking to the grandfather, I first tried to walk around him. He sidestepped and got in my way again, and then asked what I was doing again. I replied that I was trying to get to a classroom, he asked which one, I told him, and then he asked why. I then said “none of your business” and tried to get around him again, after which he side stepped again. The old man puffed up and told me to leave, and that was the moment I was looking for; proudly, I exclaimed that I was a substitute, hoping to embarrass him for his attempt to boss me around. He then stated he was the principal, and that is when I realized he was the principal, and I had just messed up. Luckily, the man had an excellent sense of humor, and bust up laughing. He explained that he though I was some guy off the street, I explained that I thought he was some senile volunteer, and then he agreed, many older volunteers at schools do suck. After that we were great friends.
HOW ABOUT SOME COMMAS, IN THIS HEADLINE, TOO
Only two other really exciting things happened to me while subbing. The first was when a kindergartener locked himself in the bathroom on purpose, so he could continue throwing a tantrum without me interfering. That tantrum went on for a quite a while before we got the bathroom door open. The second was when a bell rang and I asked the students to sit down. A junior promptly screamed an impolite phrase at me, making for the quickest trip to the principal’s I have ever issued; he lasted for all of two seconds of class. Other than that, if I was in high schools I mostly spent the day reading, because most absent high school teachers just leave tests or worksheets for students. If I was in elementary schools I worked hard, though I felt like ninety-percent of my job was just babysitting; welcome, and don’t made a mess, spread paint, eat glue, or cut other people’s hair. And don’t make babies. Above all else, don’t make babies.
CONCLUSION
To write an actual conclusion for once, I have decided that I do not like working in elementary school classrooms, but that high school is where it is at. Not that I have ever turned down an elementary school job; I just groan when I get called and then say “yes.” Still, I guess high school students do not draw pictures for substitutes, or give them folded pieces of paper, or hand them fallen leaves, or present them with bark chips, or used tissues, or just sneeze on their shirt. Sometimes elementary students are very sweet.
PICTURE
Before leaving for Korea I forgot to take pictures of the various “gifts” students have given me, so instead here is a picture of me feeding our chickens one of their favorite foods.
