INTRODUCTION
This email just might mark the beginning of the end of my medical nonsense. That, or it marks the end of all the time I spent seeing doctors in California. Once I returned to Oregon, I had sinus surgery, which I will cover the next time I have enough time to write. Until then, the following is exciting, just not as exciting as me bleeding out of my nose for weeks and being out of it on painkillers. Or maybe it is as exciting, just not as gross.
GOOD THING HE IS NOT A PSYCHIATRIST
Towards the end of my stay in California I went to see my aunt and cousin’s asthma and allergy doctor. I had heard very good things about the man, as well as very eccentric things. My first visit was over four hours long, and interestingly, seeing a very thorough doctor is a bit depressing. Besides recognizing that I was having a good deal of chest pain, the doctor said I also had a deviated septum and too narrow of a nose, messed up sinuses, messed up ear drums, a misshapen uvula, a partial cleft palate, too small of a jaw, too close together of eyebrows, too short of thumbs, oddly spaced nipples, and a “funny” neck. He commanded I get surgery on my nose, check out specialists for all of the mouth problems, and have genetics testing done to identify a condition that would explain the other “birth defects.” So if you were not aware, I am an exceptionally deformed individual.
Fast forward a few months and what the doctor “found” was only about half crazy talk. As for the nose, uvula, jaw, eyebrows, thumbs, nipples, and neck, I fall within the normal realm of human variation, as for the roof of my mouth, my soft palate is abnormally large, but it is really no big deal, and as for the genetic testing, I am not a candidate. What did turn out to be true, however, was that my sinus and ear passages were pretty obstructed and that my septum was very un-straight. All of this led to the conclusion that I needed to see an ENT and have sinus surgery for a third time in my life. Apparently sinus surgery only does me about nine years worth of good, after which my sinus passages regrow the previously removed tissue, plugging themselves up. Though this is bad news for me, though I am sure ENT’s sipping expensive champagne on beaches in Hawaii are quite happy with my body’s stubborn habits.
I GUESS I GAVE MYSELF HEAT STROKE
After some investigation I came to the conclusion that having sinus surgery in Oregon would be less expensive than having sinus surgery in California, so I began to pack my bags. At that time I also managed to get another sinus infection, and with it came one of the worst fevers I have ever had. Interestingly, at first no one believed that I had a fever because the digital thermometer read 99.1 degrees. Pretty confident that the thermometer was wrong, I later took my temperature with it when I was healthy and it read 94.2 degrees. So I almost assuredly had a fever, especially since while sick I simply could not get warm. The first night I piled a bunch of blankets on top of my bed, as well as an unzipped sleeping bag. After twenty minutes under the stack, however, I was still shivering, so then I put on socks, pants, a couple of shirts and a sweatshirt, and a stocking hat. As it turns out, this was a bad idea. For the first few hours however, however, it felt great.
I woke up halfway through the night weak, thirsty, utterly drenched with sweat, and hotter than I ever have been before. I managed to slide out of bed, crawl to the bathroom, and then stand up. I wanted to get a drink, but instead of getting a drink I passed out, smacking my face on the sink as I fell. When I came to my extremely concerned aunt was standing over me and I tasted blood. After checking for missing teeth and being delighted that my mouth was intact, I immediately started stripping off my wet clothes. Once down to my underwear I was coherent enough to convince my aunt that an ER visit was unnecessary. I then spent the rest of the night drinking about a gallon of water while lying on top of my damp covers, which conveniently were cool. For the next week my head ached, although sadly, my opponent was fine; a dented sink would have been a great testament to my toughness, but I guess granite is harder than face.
CONDI IS MALE, AND KIM IS NOT KOREAN
As things were wrapping up in California I visited a few friends I figured I would not see for a while. First I took my friend Condi to Koreatown, where we found a traditional Korean restaurant. Later took my friend Kim to the same restaurant, and when my friend Johnny was in town we also ate there as well; Kim and Johnny, to let the secret out of the bag I really cannot read Korean menus that well, I just remembered it from before. Condi and I also went to a Korean bathhouse, which was a lot of fun. Sadly, Johnny refused to go to the bathhouse when I offered, and with Kim I did not even mention it since that would have been a bit awkward. Unfortunately, despite the authenticity of the restaurant and bathhouse Condi and I went to, a good dog restaurant was not to be found. I guess Koreatown really is like Korea then, as it took me over six months to find dog for sale in Seoul. I guess you could call that food a rare breed.
CONCLUSION
Sometime before leaving California I also had a stomach emptying test, which involved me eating a radioactive egg white sandwich while I sat under a machine that traced the meal as it was digested. That was the last gastrointestinal test I took, after which I moved on to investigating my sinus infections and trying to find a link between them and my chest pain. As is fitting, gastrointestinal tests ended on a delicious note.
PICTURE
My extremely flattering ER discharge picture from 2009, where the effects of my deviated septum are pretty apparent.
