INTRODUCTION
This email builds on the last one, where I described what a twenty-four hour pH study was like. Ultimately, the results of that test were inconclusive, so now everyone gets to learn what a ninety-six hour pH study is like. Also, I am going to talk about some doctors that got in a fight, and another doctor and the yeast infection he caused. Getting a yeast infection was probably the worst thing that happened to me while I was in California. I know right now you are asking yourself “yeast infection where?” Well my friends, read and find out.
OF COURSE I WOULD STERILIZED IT FIRST
My earlier pH study consisted of a tube that went up my nose, down my throat, and into my stomach. It was a pretty miserable situation and I doubt many people could stand it for more than a day. Thus, when doctors do ninety-six hour studies they actually forgo the tube and instead just pin the sensor straight in. Using suction, a doctor pulls out a little section of esophageal flesh, places the arms of the sensor on either side of that flesh, and then they ram metal through it. The sensor measures the pH in that section of the esophagus for about four days, although it takes another three days or so for the sensor to fall off. Since the pin does not come undone, I just assume the esophagus tears, something I did not like to think about while my acid was being measured. The data transmits wirelessly to a belt-worn computer, and the computer goes to the hospital for upload. And that is the whole process, easy, clean, and only slightly bloody.
Overall, I found the ninety-six hour pH study to be much more bearable than the twenty-four hour pH study. The biggest pro was that when I was not eating or swallowing, I could not tell anything was in my throat; I could walk or run or jump or breathe and not feel like I wanted to shoot myself. Also, no one could tell I was having a test done, so if I had gone to a film like I did before I would not have gotten strange looks. The biggest con, of course, was having a pin in my esophagus, which made swallowing extremely painful. It was a little worse than having the tube in, and noticeable enough that the first time I ate a meal after the sensor had fallen off I immediately knew that it was gone. I had the goal of recovering that little piece of machinery, as it is a rare souvenir indeed that has actually been inside the human body. Despite thorough searching at the proper times, however, it proved too elusive.
I BET IT STARTED OVER STOLEN LEGOS
Interestingly, I almost did not participate in the longer pH study, because when I showed up to the hospital to have the sensor attached the hospital did not have anything scheduled for me. This, of course, was a mistake, because everything had been scheduled for weeks and the hospital had called me multiple times the days before; to make sure I had a driver, to make sure I would not eat for twenty-four hours before coming in, and to make sure I would pay. As it turns out, the doctor I was going to got into a fight with another doctor and that second doctor canceled all of my doctor’s appointments, out of revenge. Or at least that is what my doctor told me, while the second doctor said that my doctor was lying and then gave an even better explanation. I talked to the head of surgery, but could get to the bottom of anything. As it turns out, some professionals, despite degrees, are as mature as the smallest of kids I run into while subbing.
ACTUALLY, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND
The doctor fight was a sign of things to come, as that hospital in California ended up causing me many more problems down the road. To save those problems for a later time, however, the verdict of the ninety-six hour pH study was that I had eosinophilic esophagitis. Without going into much detail on that either, I was prescribed medicine which almost immediately caused me to get a yeast infection. Now to come down to it, where was that yeast infection? Well, my throat hurt and my tongue hurt and the back of my mouth turned very white; so yes, I got a yeast infection in my “oral tract.” An endoscopy confirmed the diagnosis and I was put on yeast infection medicine, as well as taken off the medicine that had caused it. Interesting, at that time the doctor who said I had eosinophilic esophagitis decided I did not have it after all. So I grew cottage cheese all up and down my throat for absolutely no reason, hooray.
Looking back on it, however, there is a silver lining to the whole yeast infection thing; now I am in the club. As most guys know, women talk about menstruation, infection, pregnancy, menopause, and related subjects on a pretty regular basis, and by “talk about” I mean “talk about how painful those things are, and how men cannot possibly ever understand that pain.” And I agree, because I will never have a baby or experience most of those other things. So, when those topics come up, I wisely choose not to say anything. Except now I can actually throw in my two cents in certain instances, and in fact, I reckon having a yeast infection in the throat is actually worse than having a yeast infection in any other part of the body, and I am extremely prepared to argue about it. Such a chance has not occurred yet, but I know it will in the future. Someone talk about yeast infections around me, please. Again, I am incredibly ready.
CONCLUSION
It has been over six months since I had a yeast infection and, sadly, my dream has not come true. This leads me to conclude that talking about yeast infections is not as common as I previous thought, or, women have stopped getting them. Probably the latter? Anyway, what great first-date material, because there could hardly be a better way to demonstrate to a woman that I have just met that we have something in common. And what if she has had pH studies or endoscopies conducted, or been told she had eosinophilic esophagitis? Sounds like a keeper to me.
PICTURE
A printer, in honor of my friend Soren.
